They say communication is the key to a successful marriage, and I completely agree. BUT I also think whoever came up with that saying never had to explain to their husband that “I’m fine” actually means I’m definitely not fine.
Marriage is a beautiful thing and also wonderfully frustrating (at times). One minute you’re laughing together over something funny the kids did, and the next you’re having a heated debate because someone (I’m not naming names…but it wasn’t me) ate someone else’s koeksista
My husband and I have been married long enough to know that communication isn’t about always agreeing. If it were, we’d probably still be waiting for that magical day to arrive! Believe me when I say we have had our fair share of crossed wires, tiffs, and those horrible moments where one of us is convinced we’re having two completely different conversations.
The fact is, learning to communicate with your partner is not something you master overnight; you have to keep learning throughout your marriage. Some days you’ll absolutely nail it, and other days… well… let’s just say ‘I’m sorry’ becomes a valuable part of your vocab.
So if you’ve ever found yourself wondering how a simple conversation turned into World War Seven, then keep reading… You are in the right place.
Why Communication Matters in a Relationship
“I love my partner…but I don’t understand them?” If you’ve ever thought that, then welcome to the club; membership is free, and therapy is pending. Think back to your last disagreement, and I’m sure you can come up with at least one of these.
Was it really about the dirty dishes? The remote? The wet towel mysteriously breeding bacteria on the bedroom floor? Probably not…hey. It’s not what we say that causes the problem—it’s how we say it.
I’ve learned this lesson the hard way; apparently I have what my family lovingly refers to as my “nagging voice.” You know the one…the tone that for some reason makes even the nicest sentence sound like an official complaints letter.
At first, hearing that stung a little (okay, it stung alot), nobody likes constructive criticism, especially when you secretly think you’re right. However, after swallowing my pride (which, by the way, is much harder than swallowing bad medicine), I realised they weren’t criticising me but pointing out something.
And you know what? The moment I changed my tone, something amazing happened… my husband actually listened- funny how that works.
4 keys to good marriage
- Pay Attention to Your Tone of Voice
Try saying exactly the same sentence in two completely different tones, and you will see two completely different reactions. Your words matter, but your tone often speaks louder than your actual words… Try sounding curious instead of critical or gentle instead of sarcastic.
Yes, I know… if you know me personally, then this one is oddly hypocritical coming from me. I am aware that my sarcasm occasionally deserves its own postal code, and I’m working on it. So, I’ve had practical experience in what happens when I change my tone.
Like when I stop sounding like a frustrated school principal handing out detention, my husband is far more willing to hear what I’m actually trying to say… who knew?
- Listen More Than You Talk
This one sounds incredibly simple YET also incredibly difficult. Most of us aren’t really listening when someone is talking to us—we’re just quietly rehearsing our comeback. Ever heard the saying:
“Don’t listen to respond. Listen to understand.”
That little nugget has saved me more arguments than I can count, don’t misunderstand; I’m not saying become a doormat. I’m saying not every interaction has to end with someone waving an imaginary trophy because they “won.” Marriage isn’t a competition; there’s no scoreboard, no referee, and no gold medal for proving your spouse wrong.
The wisest thing you can do is simply hear your partner out and not immediately prepare your opening statement or case defence like a lawyer in a courtroom. Trust me; I am very much aware that this is as hard as it sounds… like I said, I’m a work-in- progress.
- Be Patient and Respectful
THIS ONE, yor, this one is a problem in the naughty corner in our house, hey. My husband and I are both strong personalities… Translation? We both like being right. Let me rephrase… we both love being right.
Let’s just say that if stubbornness were an Olympic sport, he and I would probably both be standing on the podium arguing over who deserved the gold medal. It came to a head one day, and we had to ask ourselves a common marriage question: Do I want to be right…or do I want to be happy?
The reality is that respect should not disappear just because you disagree, and you can disagree passionately without shouting, without insults, without bringing up the past or the in-laws. Remember—you are NOT enemies; you chose each other, and you swore an oath before GOD.
You are on the same team, even if one teammate sometimes thinks cleaning the kitchen is putting all the dirty dishes in the sink and covering it with a dishcloth.
- Communicate How You Feel
One of the things my husband and I discovered is that it was important to tell each other how we feel from a place of vulnerability instead of accusation. What do I mean? Well, how about this: “You never listen to me.” or “I feel unheard when we’re talking.”
What does each statement inspire in you when you hear it from your partner? The first one immediately puts the other person on the defensive, and the second invites a conversation. Be honest, doesn’t the first feel like an attack? Well, I don’t know about you, but I immediately want to defend myself, and from experience, these convos don’t end well.
So, open yourself up and make it from the heart… It’s hard for you to say and hard for the other person to hear, but guess what? These convos get somewhere and more often than not, end very well (maybe even with a kiss or three).
And while we’re talking about dangerous conversations… let’s have a moment for the in-laws? If you’ve been married for any length of time, you will know these conversations require the emotional stability of a bomb disposal expert… Approach with caution, choose your words CAREFULLY, and pray first(never mind, pray twice).
You best believe that even one innocent comment can suddenly have everyone remembering things that happened ten Christmases ago… marriage be funny like that.
Improving Communication with Your Partner
Okay the basics are covered now let’s dig a little deeper because, let’s be honest, marriage isn’t just about avoiding arguments. It’s about learning how to navigate them without someone threatening to sleep on the couch or worse, leave.
Communication isn’t only about talking—it’s about listening, understanding and sometimes admitting, “You know what? I may have handled that wrong” (Yes, difficult words, almost as difficult as admitting your husband was right… I said almost.)
- Active Listening
Have you ever been halfway through explaining something important only to realise your spouse is nodding while mentally clocking out? Yep…been there. I am by nature a chatterbox, sooooo I recognise the glazed look in my hubby’s eyes when he sort of zones out.
Active listening isn’t just hearing words; it’s making the other person feel like they matter. This used to be a BIG issue in our marriage, but I have learnt, and so has he. Also, to be fair, I do know when I’m demanding too much from my husband with my talking quota; hence, I forgive the glaze, well, most of the time anyway.
It works both ways, hey, my husband starts telling me about his day and my brain immediately wanders to what’s for supper or why he is so handsome (okay, honestly, he doesn’t seem to mind the ogling one too much).
Seriously though, I’ve had to remind myself that if I expect him to listen to me, I need to offer him the same respect. That means putting my phone down or my book, making eye contact, and giving him my full attention.
A big lesson I’ve learned through my years of adult-ing is to listen for the emotion behind words. For example: When someone is angry, are they really angry, or are they hurting? When someone is quiet, could everything just be too much? Are they tired? Do they need a snack or some chocolate? Maybe a coffee and a chat…not every conversation needs a solution.
You don’t have to try to fix everything; sometimes all someone needs is a shoulder to cry on or someone to JUST LISTEN, saying “That sounds really hard.” Or “I’m sorry you had a bad day.” And not “You’ll get over it.” or my personal favourite…“You’re too emotional.” Or this bad boy: “You’re overreacting.”
Spoiler Alert…These sentences have never improved an argument in the history of marriage; walls come down so quickly when people feel understood instead of judged.
- Learning to Resolve Conflict Without Declaring World War Three
Conflict is inevitable in marriage, if anyone ever tells you they never argue with their significant other, then either they’re lying or one of them has mastered the art of telepathy (X-Men will probably be contacting them anytime soon).
For us normal people, disagreements are normal, but it is how you deal with them that makes all the difference. So there are two ways to approach a disagreement: one is to charge in like a bull seeing red, or take a deep breath and remember that the person standing opposite you is NOT your enemy. They’re your favourite human even when you’re feeling presently like smothering them with a pillow.
As I said before, I’ve learnt a thing or three over the years: compromise isn’t losing because to bend is to not break, and swallow your pride because pride always comes before you fall. These lessons I remind myself daily because some things you say, you can never take back…
Marriage {1} isn’t about avoiding storms; it’s learning not to throw lightning bolts at each other while you’re standing in one.
Wrapping up:
In the movies, we believe that after the characters say “I do,” everything magically sorts itself out and they live happily ever after. In reality, that moment is when the real work begins; it’s building your relationship through thousands of little choices:
- Choosing to listen.
- Choosing to forgive.
- Choosing to apologise.
- Choosing kindness when sarcasm would be easier.
- Choosing your marriage (even on the days when your spouse forgets what you asked them five minutes ago or somehow manages to ask, “What’s wrong?” immediately after you’ve told them exactly what’s wrong.)
None of us are perfect or communicate perfectly… after 23 years, my husband and I are still learning, and some conversations we absolutely nail it. Other times…well…let’s just say we both walk away needing a slice of humble pie, but every disagreement teaches us something valuable.
Every misunderstanding is an opportunity to grow, and every apology makes our marriage go from strength to strength. At the end of the day, communication is less about having the perfect word and more about loving each other enough to keep trying. A good marriage is two imperfect people choosing each other over and over again, no matter how hard it gets.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to lovingly remind my husband that the dirty dishes in the sink do not magically wash themselves when you throw a dish towel over them… wish me luck.