“The first step to loving yourself is admitting that you need to.” Suspiciously easier than it actually is, right? For some people, loving themselves seems to come naturally, like they literally walk around with this wonderful, healthy sense of self-worth and comfortable in their own skin.
Theeen there’s the rest of us- the ones who help a friend, build someone else up, forgive someone for the fiftieth time, make sure all has eaten, checking on everyone… completely forgetting that we are also people who need looking after.
For me, I admit I’m guilty as charged with this; learning to love myself hasn’t always been easy. Why, I can’t tell you, hey. Why can we be so incredibly compassionate towards everyone else but become our own worst enemy?
Maybe it’s because we have been conditioned by life or experience that putting ourselves first is selfish, told to think about other people (especially as a Christian)… told to be helpful, be kind, be there for everyone. And I absolutely believe in caring for others; however, I’ve also learned something pivotal:
You cannot keep pouring from an empty cup.
Eventually, there is nothing left… you’re running on fumes, surviving on caffeine and trying to convince everyone you’re “fine”. While internally everything is overheating or shutting down and blasting ‘MayDay MayDay’ distress signals that are ultimately ignored until… you’re laying the floor.
So love yourself, what does it actually mean? And how to start practising self-care when you’re so used to putting yourself at the bottom of the list? Read on.
Self-care, the word makes you picture candles, bubble baths, face masks, and somebody dramatically sipping herbal tea in a fluffy dressing gown. Okay, I admit that that sounds very nice, and if somebody would like to deliver a spa voucher to my doorstep, I will humbly accept.
However, self-care is sooooo much more than pampering oneself; it is about looking after not just your physical self but your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being as well…YOU matter. Taking care of you helps you cope better with life because we all know life be life-ing a bit too much sometimes.
You know what I mean, like you’ve barely dealt with one problem before another one comes flying at you like it’s a game of dodgeball. Self-care doesn’t magically make problems disappear, although that would be nice, but it can help you face them from a healthier, more grounded place.
It can give you space to breathe and process, to remember that you are more than the list of responsibilities you’ve accumulated. You are a person, not a machine, not some superhero, and definitely not a 24-hour emergency service for everyone else.
Learning to love yourself is about looking after the whole you, meaning your body, your mind, your emotions and your spirit. Let’s be honest, ignoring one area while desperately trying to fix another doesn’t usually work very well.
Physical self-care is probably the easiest one to understand. It means taking care of your body by getting enough rest, eating nourishing food, staying active, and keeping up with appropriate medical check-ups. And no, this doesn’t mean you suddenly need to become the person who wakes up at 5 am, drinks green juice and runs ten kilometres before breakfast.
Some mornings, getting through breakfast without somebody asking you where their missing sock is deserves an award. Start where you are, get enough sleep, move your body in ways that feel good, and also eat properly. Mainly, rest when you need to because your body deserves care, not punishment.
Mental self-care is about giving your brain a little breathing room. Journaling can be incredibly helpful, especially when your thoughts are doing that wonderful thing where they all decide to arrive at once.
Writing things down can help you make sense of what you’re feeling and clear some of the mental clutter; grab a physical pen to jot it down or open a Word doc and type it out. You can also try reading too, my fav personal downtime is spent in a good romantasy novel although to be honest I could do any genre if written well.
Gosh, another is spending time outside, like a hike in nature, wow those breathtaking experiences become one for the book because they either literally take your breath away from the strain lol, but the actual beauty of it.
The point is taking a break from your phone or simply giving yourself some ‘quiet’ time; sometimes your brain doesn’t need another solution but just needs five minutes of peace (and possibly coffee).
This one can be a little harder (especially for me). Emotional self-care means allowing yourself to actually feel your feelings instead of pretending everything is fine all the time, this is especially hard as a mom. You don’t have to be positive every minute of every day; you are allowed to have difficult days, allowed to cry, allowed to laugh (until you can’t breathe).
You’re allowed to say, “I’m not okay.” And you’re allowed to take a break from social media when scrolling through everybody else’s apparently perfect lives starts making your own feel like a badly organised circus… protecting your peace matters.
Spiritual self-care will look different for everyone, for me, faith is an important part of how I navigate life, and spending time in prayer, reflection, and reconnecting with God can give me perspective when everything feels a little too loud.
For someone else, spiritual self-care might involve meditation, time in nature, gratitude, or simply sitting quietly and reflecting on what matters most to them. The important thing is finding something that gives your life meaning and helps you reconnect with the bigger picture.
Okay, so you’ve decided you need to start taking better care of yourself- wonderful- now comes the tricky part… actually doing it. Knowing what we should do and actually doing it are two very different things, so start small; you don’t need to completely reinvent your life by Monday morning.
Set realistic goals: pick one or two things you’d like to change; maybe you want to get more sleep, or maybe you want to spend less time scrolling and start journaling.
Maybe you simply want to stop saying yes to absolutely everything, whatever it is; don’t be afraid just make it realistic. Because progress is far more important than perfection, make time for yourself
This is important: if you keep waiting until you’ve finished everything before you take time for yourself, you may be waiting until approximately the year 2047.
There will always be laundry.
There will always be dishes.
There will always be somebody who needs something.
Make yourself part of the schedule too; even fifteen minutes can make a difference, so read a book or sit outside or do both at the same time. Listen to music and have a cup of coffee while it’s still hot — which, if you have children, may qualify as an extreme sport.
Build a support system; you don’t have to do everything alone. Surround yourself with people who encourage you, listen to you, and genuinely want the best for you. Sometimes self-care looks like talking to a friend, and sometimes it looks like asking for help.
Sometimes it looks like admitting that you can’t carry everything by yourself, and guess what? There is absolutely no shame in that.
Starting a self-care routine is one thing; however, keeping it going when life gets chaotic is another story altogether.
Life doesn’t exactly send you a calendar invitation saying:
“Dear You, please note that this week will be completely stress-free and nobody will require anything from you.” Gosh, wouldn’t that be great if it did?
Instead, we need to find little ways to make self-care fit into real life, start by planning ahead where you can.
-Lay your clothes out the night before.
-Prepare meals in advance.
-Write down what needs to be done.
-Create little pockets of calm throughout your day.
And don’t underestimate the power of small things: a quiet cup of coffee, a walk outside, ten minutes with a good book, a conversation with someone you love, or a few minutes of prayer.
Put your phone down and actually looking around you, these things might seem insignificant, but sometimes it’s the tiny moments that help us feel human again. Please don’t turn self-care into another thing you have to be perfect at; you don’t need a colour-coded planner, seventeen wellness apps, and a collection of matching water bottles.
If you miss a day, no biggie, just start again. If you fall out of your routine, okay, that’s life… start again. Life got messy, yip, that sucks… start again. Starting again still counts.
Learning to love yourself isn’t always going to feel comfortable; there are deeper reasons why we struggle with self-worth- you’ve been hurt, or you’ve spent years comparing yourself to other people.
Maybe you’ve listened to that little voice in your head telling you that you’re not good enough, or you’ve become so used to putting everyone else first that you don’t even know what your own needs are anymore.
Self-doubt and overthinking can become incredibly overwhelming. I’ve had many a moment where my brain has taken one tiny thought and turned it into a full-blown production with twelve unnecessary plot twists.
But learning to love yourself starts with becoming aware of the way you speak to yourself-would you speak to your best friend the way you sometimes speak to yourself? I’m guessing not. So why do we think it’s okay to constantly criticise ourselves? Start practising self-compassion. When you make a mistake, remind yourself that you’re human.
When something doesn’t work out, don’t automatically decide that you’re a failure, and when you’re struggling, give yourself the same kindness you would offer somebody you love. Challenge those negative thoughts; don’t believe every thought that pops into your head.
Sometimes your brain is simply being dramatic; step back and say, “Stop”, hammer time! Sorry, ha-ha, I couldn’t resist. Surround yourself with people who remind you of your worth and try things that push you outside your comfort zone.
Celebrate your small victories, and if you’re struggling with something that feels too big to handle alone, ask for help; it is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Step by step.
Brick by brick.
Build yourself back up, not into somebody else’s idea of who you should be, but into you.
There will be good days and difficult days. There will be moments when you feel strong and moments when you question everything… keep going. Keep choosing yourself and give yourself grace because learning to love yourself isn’t about becoming a completely different person.
It’s about finally recognising the value in the person you’ve been all along, and maybe that’s the greatest act of self-care we can give ourselves. Let’s stop waiting until we’re “good enough” to love ourselves… and realise that we already are.
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